Death is often a hard subject to talk about. Usually when someone I know passes away, I tend to avoid confronting the situation (living on the other side of the country helps). It’s a tough thing to digest, especially when you are close to said person. One moment someone is there, the next they’re gone. I grieved a bit when I lost my friend Alex, but haven’t come to grips with it yet, since I still get upset nine years later. I didn’t have time to prepare for it, and never got a chance to say goodbye.
I can remember a few years back taking a week’s vacation back home. My grandfather was still alive at the time. I can remember packing up my suitcase at my folks’ house, about to make the drive down to Philly to catch my flight back to LA. My grandfather wanted to make the drive with my dad and I; I wanted him to come to along as well because I wouldn’t see him again until Xmas. However my dad said due to Pap’s age, his sickness (cancer) and a weak bladder, he wouldn’t make for a smooth trip. Pap thought he was coming along, but I guess he wasn’t told he would be staying home. As we pulled away, I saw Pap standing on the porch, extra-large shorts and t-shirt draped over his now frail frame, waving goodbye. At that moment, I knew it was the last time I would see my grandfather.
*NOTE: I don’t believe in an afterlife; it kinda falls hand-in-hand with being an atheist. FYI: Only about 10% of atheists believe in absolutely no higher power. I think everything in the universe is connected. Knowing the time I have on this planet is limited helps me make sure I live this life to the fullest, and live with no regrets.
When the call came the following November saying Pap passed away, it came as no surprise. I had hoped for one last chance to see him over the holidays, but I knew it was a huge hope. Although I never took the time to pour out over his passing, I made sure to prepare myself for Pap’s trip to Valhalla. I never did get to say a proper goodbye, but when the time came, I was ready. I got up that morning and drove to MTV, took a half-day, and met Johnny at James’ Beach later to talk about all the good times we shared during my childhood.
I could see the future for my grandfather. But what if I was on the other side? What if you knew the end was coming, what would you do to face your own destiny? Or even crazier, what if you could control your own destiny?
Pap knew his time was short the summer before he passed. He and my Mom went to clean out his old house in Shenandoah, PA. When my grandparents got sick (Pap had cancer, and Gram has Alzheimer’s), they moved out of their house and moved in with their daughter and son-in-law, inheriting my old bedroom. Going through the attic, Pap found a stack of winter gloves he had been hoarding. He looked at my mom and said, “Over the years I’ve been saving these gloves just in case. Now look, I’ll never get a chance to wear them.” In a sense of foreshadowing, he prophesized his own demise. It was if he knew he wouldn’t make it to winter and have the chance to wear the gloves he’d been saving. Much like I knew when I pulled out of our old driveway, I would never see or speak to him again.
In a similar vein, my mom told me a story the other day about an afternoon she spent with my Great-Aunt Nancy. Aunt Nancy is getting on in years, and is very ill and can’t driver herself anymore; my mom usually has to play chauffer. My Uncle Frank, Nancy’s husband, passed away a few years back. On this particular afternoon, it was a bit warmer than usual, so they went and visited my Uncle’s grave. My mom overheard Aunt Nancy say something, which struck me. She said, “Frank, I think I’ll be coming to see you soon.” It was an incredible notion, assuming she might be joining her husband soon in heaven.
Besides knowing you’re time is approaching, is it possible to control your own death? (Naturally speaking of course. Suicide is another issue.) My swim coach growing up used to tell us a tale about our fellow teammate, and Olympic gold medalist, Anita Nall. We used to do meditation and visualization exercises before big races. He regaled us with a tale of Anita before a National meet, where she had a sore leg muscle, and through the power of meditation, she successfully willed the pain right out of her leg. Along the same lines, there were even times when I felt sick and continuously repeated to myself, “You won’t puke you won’t puke you won’t puke,” and never got sick. My coach taught me the mind is a very powerful tool. I think it’s possible to use this mental agility to not only heal thyself, but aid in your trip to the next adventure.
My friend Pascual lost his grandparents two weeks apart of each other. I believe his grandmother passed first, followed by his grandfather. At the time of the first passing, Pascual’s grandfather was completely healthy. When he entered the hospital, it was completely out of the blue, because he showed no signs of an approaching health complication of any kind. I remember talking to Pascual about it, and he diagnosed his grandpa death as the result of a broken heart. He lost the love if his life, and possibly willed himself to the next horizon. Is it possible he didn’t want to go on, knowing he had done everything he wanted to with his life, and with his partner gone, he spoke to the universe, and the universe took him away?
I like to believe everything in this world can be explained logically or scientifically, even if the cause and effect haven’t been discovered yet. Death can be as random as the lottery, but there are strong connections in this universe; powers we possess which we are all not aware of. When the reaper approaches, he gives us fair warning. Whether it’s the person moving on, or the family and friends being left behind. It’s up to us to see the signs and listen to the stories, and make sure we take the time to listen and cherish the few experiences we have left.
Here's to lowering caskets of old friends… Choice and consequence… We'll birth a new day with the death of an old…
