A Definitive Guide To Farting In The Shower

Sorry I've been MIA for a bit. I've been in Tempe, Arizona following around the Tempe12 girls for a docu-reality show. They are all amazing girls who I am getting to know very well, and I hope when the times comes you will watch the show. To at least give you something to read, and assure you I am not dead, check out another amazing post from one of my favorite writers/bloggers, Riley Breckenridge:

Hello, Friends. We’d like to take this opportunity to share a secret with you.

Noted physicians and scientists have mastered the art of farting in the shower.

And we’re not just talking about “farting” as you’re used to it. We’re talking about making the most of your farts, and using advanced techniques to create a shower farting experience that will be so wonderfully rewarding and productive that you’ll surprise yourself, your family, your friends, and the World.

We know, we know, you’re saying to yourself, “Finally! I knew it could be done! Do tell, do tell!”

We’re about to.

You are so very welcome.

TECHNIQUE:
1. Turn the water on. The water is essentially the valve piston of your butt trumpet or the mod wheel on your synthesizer, if you will.

2. Lather up. This is like a compressor. It makes the peaks and valley of your performance a little more consistent, and we all know that “consistency is important”.

3. Turn your back to the shower head so that the water flow is hitting you on the upper butt/lower back area.

4. Do a quarter squat and place your hands on your knees.

5. Align the flow of water so that it hits your upper butt/lower back.

6. Adjust the angle of your back so that the water flows down the small of your back, into your butt crack, betwixt your butt cheeks, and over your butthole.

7. Imagine that the water is the gentle breath of a flutist. Err…actually, don’t do that. At all. Ever.

8. Fire at will.

9. Enjoy!

BENEFITS:

- Louder, more sonically diverse farts than ever

- Entertain yourself while you clean

- An exercise in multi-tasking

- Now available in Duck, French Horn, Hyena, Howler Monkey, and B#

- Odorously less offensive (Thanks, soap!)

- Child-safe

- Excellent sustain and decay due to the your bathroom’s natural reverb

- Fun!

POSSIBLE DISADVANTAGES:

- Built-in safety net (see: possible disadvantages)

- Attempts at record-breaking volume may lead to involuntary sharting (see: safety net-at least it’s not your bed)

- Slippery surfaces and excessive soap usage may lead to unexpected slippage which may lead to death

- Using this technique in jail may lead to rape

- Methane poisoning

- Failure to rinse properly may cause Itchy Butthole Syndrome (the other IBS)

- Wolves!

- Not available in left-handed

Now it’s your turn. Try it out at home. We give you our 100% guarantee that you’ll produce some of the most incredible sounds you’ve ever heard.

Happy farting!